Tanya speaks:

 My good friend, Tanya, wrote the following post.  Tanya and I were best friends in high school (back when we had no idea how good we looked :) ).  


I share the struggle of battling with weight and I'm convinced many do and I bet it's mostly women--we are super busy, trying to be super moms, dealing with stress any way we can and we usually take care of ourselves last of all. I know that most of those things are not bad, but it helps me remember that we really do have a lot on our plates and we just need to hang in there, do our best, and feel good about who we are--not in the future, but right now.

From childhood I remember comparing my body to everyone else's. As a teenager I always wanted to be the skinny cute girl. I wanted to wear the size X jeans. And even when I was trim, I still did not think I was thin or even average.

Now it's four kids later. But I think that once I hit thirty I got a bit more realistic and kinder to myself. I decided that instead of having a goal to weigh X pounds, or wear size X jeans, I would try to focus on BEING HEALTHY. I want to exercise to be healthy. I want to eat food that is good for my body. I want to be healthy for life--not just until I reach a certain weight. Eating well and exercising regularly makes me happier. I feel better about myself because I am taking care of myself. Exercise is therapeutic. It is the perfect outlet for stress.

Just because I want to eat healthy does not mean that I won't eat treats or occasional things that are not all that healthy. I love cooking and really only want to eat foods that taste good.
SO, I try to cook reasonably healthy meals and make sure that fruits and vegetables are key players. But I do not deny myself treats-- like Dove Promise Dark Chocolate with Raspberry Swirls--my favorite! I just have to not go crazy with the treats. I am trying to be realistic here. If I denied myself treats or my favorite foods until I got to X pounds, I would not stay at that weight for long. It's no fun not eating good food! So my solution is just to be practical. I know myself. I will exercise. I will try to mostly eat healthy. And I will have a treat too.

I'm no nutritionist. I'm no doctor. I am a 31-year-old wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister. So maybe my philosophy is wrong, but I don't feel bad about it. I try to exercise 4 or 5 days a week. It makes me feel good that I'm taking care of my body by getting some exercise. And I like knowing that I primarily put healthy things into my body and into my husband and kids. And I am very happy about not denying myself a good treat now and then. And I will do my best to not compare my body to anyone else's. I will focus on taking care of ME and MY BODY.

My message is not to aim low, but to find a realistic goal for your own life. I can live with the goal of being healthy.

Isn't she wise and awesome?  Thanks, Tanya, for your thoughts!

Sharing is Hard

I don't consider myself a "blogger".  I don't take amazing pictures and make my site all visually appealing.  I don't follow a posting schedule.  I don't know that I really even like blogging.  I do like giving advice- though I prefer for people to ask first.  I would rather not come across as egotistical or self-centered.  I don't think I have more to offer the world than any given human on the street.  Blogging is hard.  No, correction:  trying to put myself down on paper in a way that makes sense and doesn't take 30,000 words is hard.  I don't understand myself.  Therefore, I'm not surprised when my husband and family can't figure me out either.  How do I expect the average internet reader who stumbles across my site to even come close to getting what I'm trying to say? 

Truth:  it's easier to explain things in the past tense.  It was much easier to give advice and come across all wise and put-together after I had lost weight the first time.  Now I am losing weight again.  And I don't feel at all wise and put-together.  And.  It's actually easier for me to accomplish something if I don't broadcast to the world that I'm trying. 

I hear you asking:  "So why, exactly, are you blogging then?". 

Two reasons.
One:  I really think, in some undetermined way, that this is good for me.  It will at least give me something to look back on in years to come and maybe see if I learned anything.

Two, (and main reason):  I think somebody, somewhere, might possibly need to hear what I have to say.  I have had many experiences where I have heard the same thing over and over again, but then I hear someone put it a little differently.  And, suddenly, it clicks with me.  If I can help something to finally click with even one person, then I will consider this blog to have been worthwhile.  If not, well, at least it gave me something to do.  :)


So, here's where I am today:
I joined Weight Watchers again, three weeks ago.  I know, I know.  But I really think it's gonna work this time.  Why?  Because I'm doing it all wrong.  :)  Last time, I followed the "plan" exactly.  I went to the meetings.  I cooked the recipes.  I bought the frozen meals.  I measured, counted and portioned everything.  And I lost a lot of weight.  But.  I didn't want to spend the rest of my life counting, portioning and eating frozen cardboard at $5 a pop.  So I went back to what I knew (eating whatever the heck I wanted) and gained everything back. 

This time, I am paying the monthly fee for the privilege of weighing in once a week and using the cell phone app for tracking purposes.  That's it.  I don't go to the meetings.  I haven't bought a single cardboard frozen meal.  I figured if I'm not willing to do it for the rest of my life, I shouldn't do it to lose weight.  'Cause it won't stick, that's why.  I love that they changed the plan to make fruits and most veggies 0 points.  So now I have a fabulous incentive to eat lots of fruit and veggies.  And I have been!  Go figure.  I'm also making a point of losing as slowly as I possibly can.  I'm shooting for about 1/2 a pound a week.  So it'll stick.  Because I made that goal, I'm not nearly as stressed about what I eat.  If I've had lots of fruit that day, and I want an ice cream that night, I have one.  I don't always track everything I eat in a day.  I try to let myself get hungry, and stop when I'm full, and ask myself if I really want that treat.  It's the going to weigh-in once a week that's the true catalyst.  It helps me remember what I'm doing and why.  Weighing myself at home just doesn't have the same effect.

And, what the heck, if you really want to know, here's my current stats:

Highest weight:  220 (reached in 2007)
Lowest weight:  155 (reached in 2010)
Current weight:  201.2

Know Fear

Hi! 
Remember me?  I used to blog here.
I'm back now.

It's been what? like seven months since my last post?  Yeah, well.  I thought about posting during that time.  I really did.  But those posts would have consisted of things like this:  "I want to lose weight again, and I can't figure out how", or "I did really good yesterday, but I forgot all about trying to be good today", or how about "Yeah, today I just said 'to heck with it' and ate everything I could find.".

Long story short, I gained all my weight back from before weight watchers.  I am serious about getting it back off.  I have been serious before.  But, now I am really, really serious.  I think the difference between serious and really, really serious is focusing on the long haul, and keeping my goals foremost in my mind.  One of the reasons WW worked for me is that I thought about it all the time.   And, I talked about it all the time.  Sorry, Reed.  :) 

Now-a-days, I only think seriously about wanting to lose weight maybe every third day.  The other days, I like the clothes I'm wearing, and I feel pretty good, so I don't worry about it.  But that third day?  It's a doozy.  On that third day, I hate looking in the mirror.  I want to cry because I don't have any clean clothes that fit right any more.  I swear to myself that I'm going to change.  But the next day, I do laundry so I can wear my currently-fitting-clothes.  I tell myself that I love myself no matter what, and that I'm really not that fat.  So, I relax and have another Cadbury Caramel egg. 

Now, I find myself at the end of that vicious cycle.  Fifty-ish pounds overweight.  Again.  And I wonder, WHAT THE HECK?  I'm a smart person.  I'm a strong person.  I've read the books, and the blogs, and the nutrition websites.  I should know how to do this.  I do know how to do this.  And, I'm not doing it why? 

First reason why, I think, is that I change my goals like every third day.  (Yeah, the third day).  So it's hard to stick with a goal when I can't even remember which one I'm currently settled on.  Am I eating 1500 or 1800 calories today?  Am I giving up sugar or cokes this week?  Do I want to weigh 165 by October, or was it 180 by June?  Where am I going?  Why am I here?  I don't know, and it's making my head hurt.  I need chocolate. 

But, I think the biggest problem here is that I'm afraid.   I'm afraid of failing, yet again.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to resist the Easter candy aisle.  I'm afraid that I'll be grumpy and unpleasant if I forgo dinner.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to maintain weight loss, even if I do manage to lose the weight again.  I'm afraid that if I continue to try and fail, I will quit liking myself eventually.  It's hard to like someone who is constantly failing you. 

And, what do I plan to do about all of this, you ask?  Well.  Right here, right now, I am going to set some reasonable goals.   Then I am going to face my fears head on.  I am going to forgive myself when I mess up.  Here goes nothin:

I am going to keep my intake to less than 1700 calories a day, even on weekends.
I am going to weigh myself every Friday morning, no more, no less. 
I am going to post to this blog every Friday.  Even if that post is only one sentence long. 
I am going to write these goals down and put them up everywhere, so I won't forget.
I am going to re-evaluate my goals at the end of April.

Yep, that's what I'm gonna do. 

You cannot imagine my despair when I reached the age of eleven and realized that I am a muggle.

You mean I really can't do magic?!  Dagnabit.

I'm a sucker for funny sayings that have wonderfully profound meaning.  Or maybe I just try to attach profound meaning to funny sayings so I feel more justified and mature about using them in casual conversation.  Whatever.  Point is:  I haven't got a drop of magical blood in my veins.  And what does that have to do with weight loss, you ask?  It means that I, and you, can't use magic to fix our problems.  Pills, potions, spells don't actually work in our world.  Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans are just Jelly Bellys with nasty flavors.  Sigh.

Okay, that's my wise, deep thought for today.  Now, back to work.

Minor Lifestyle Tweaks

Once again, I apologize for the lengthy pause between posts.  That being said, from now on I'm not going to apologize every time.  Not because I'm not sorry, but because doing something over and over again, and continuing to apologize for it starts to sound a little bit insincere.  So.  Just take it for granted that I feel bad, but I'm not letting it ruin my life.  Okey dokey.  Moving on.  :)

I'm still loving exercise classes.  I have been going regularly, twice a week, since my kids started school.  Yay me.  I have discovered muscles that I never knew I had- discovered in rather painful ways.  Being sore is painful, but I find a perverse satisfaction in it.  For me, it's kind of like being exhausted after a really hard day's work.  Physically you feel like you've been run over by a truck, but mentally you know that you feel that way because you did something worthwhile.  Here's to worthwhile pain.

Part of the reason I haven't posted in a while is because I have been trying to figure out where I want to go, nutritionally speaking.  My weight has stayed pretty steady since my last post.  That's a good thing, it's a whole heck of a lot better than my weight increasing.  I tried going back to Weight Watchers.  I found motivation there, but I also have found some wisdom.  The wisdom part is realizing that I do not, and never will, want to get motivation from an outside source for long-term.  If I am to be successfully healthy, I need to be able to produce my own motivation.  So, I have decided to start with what I know.  I know myself so much better now than I did even six months ago.  I know that I do not like change.  I know that I get tired of fighting my habits.  I also know that I takes me a lot longer than six weeks (or whatever time the "average" human takes) to change a habit.  Actually, I have never succeeded at consciously changing a habit.  The habits I have developed or gotten rid of seemed to be a natural process.  So, if I want to change the way I eat, I need to go about it completely differently than I have so far.  Instead of shooting for a major lifestyle change, I need to make minor lifestyle tweaks.  I need to learn to be okay with the fact that I may never prefer fruit over chocolate cookies.  I will quit beating myself up over my Diet Dr. Pepper habit.  I will quit (or try to quit) obsessing over getting to weight X by date Z.  Instead, I will choose to continue to workout regularly, and teach myself to order the Whataburger Jr. rather than the full size, and add lettuce and tomato.  I can have pizza, I will just have two slices instead of four.  In other words I will stick to the foods I normally eat, and just make little, almost invisible, changes here and there.  I will learn to be me, every bit of me, and be cool with that.  

Workouts

I have made a discovery.  I love, repeat, love fitness classes.  Who knew?  I come out of an hour-long workout thinking "You know, there is no way in heck I would have stuck with that workout for that long if I had been on my own".  About twenty minutes in I would be done.  I love that having other people there, sweating with me, not giving up, makes me keep going.  Nothing like a little peer pressure.  :)
So far I have been to The Ultimate Workout, and Mat Pilates.  Both of which ate my lunch.  Big time.  After the first Ultimate Workout class my quads (the front of my thighs, for those not into anatomical terms) were so sore that I couldn't walk right for about three days.  After that I learned that I don't have to do all the repetitions of all the exercises in class, and I still get a fabulous workout.  I'm still sore, but not to the point where I'm incapacitated. 
I'm working up to going to an hour-long class three times a week. Right now I'm up to twice a week.  My poor, out-of-shape body is slowly adjusting.

Much as I love the classes, it is kind of hard not to get a complex watching the instructors- I've never spent a lot of time around such obviously buff, built people.  It makes me feel extra soft.  But so far that just motivates me to keep going.   

Fleur grew

What's Newton's law again? An object in motion wants to stay in motion?  Yeah.  Something like that.  Well, Fleur's law seems to be that a woman who eats tends to want to keep eating.  And eating.  And eating some more.  

I've been gone from the world-o'-blog for a while, you may have noticed.  :)  I don't have a great excuse.  We didn't move, or have a baby, or lose a close family member (thank goodness to all of that).  My excuse is that I fell off the wagon.  Hard.  And, up until now, I have been ashamed to admit it.  Even to myself.  But I finally stepped onto the scale this morning and forced myself to admit the truth.  I have gained back 30 pounds since January.  "Hi, my name is Fleur.  Hi, Fleur. And I am once again overweight." 

Now, I know that I am the only person in the world to have ever had this problem. wink wink  So, I decided to tell you about it so that if, by some strange coincidence, you might have had, or ever will have this problem, maybe you won't feel quite so alone.  That's what this blog is all about, after all.  Informing the world that not everyone's life is as perfect and easy as you may think.  I have decided to "man up" and not only admit my failure, but also do something about it.  Next week I am going back to Weight Watchers.  I know that the program didn't actually solve my underlying eating problems, but until I get my weight manageable, I am too overwhelmed to try to get to the root of my over-eating.  I will go back to my old meeting, hat in hand, and start over. sigh

This time I want to do it better.  I want to learn to enjoy fruits and veggies as a normal part of life.  I want to snack on healthy things, instead of WW 1 point snack bars that are made from who-knows-what.  I bought a gym membership last week.  I want to use it to build muscle and actually get in shape. 
This is me and my mom at my brother's wedding two weeks ago.  My mom has done fabulous at maintaining her weight loss.  I'm so proud of her!  Doesn't she look great!?  I need to get my inspiration from her. 


In my new spirit of transparency and honesty and accountability, here are my current stats:

30 years old
185 pounds (up from my goal weight of 155)
5' 6"
36% body fat (as measured by my fitness evaluation at the gym)

Bleah.  I can do better than that.  Here's to do-overs.  

Modifying Expectations

I didn't want to call this post "lowering" expectations, because that sounds too negative.  And, according to my spell check, "realisticizing" isn't actually a word.  So, "modifying" it is. 
I loved reaching my goal weight.   But, I have found it very difficult to maintain that weight at this point in my life.  And beating myself over the head with every pound gained back wasn't healthy, or helpful.  So, I have to accept the fact that for right now, I'm going to have to live with what I've got.  Which, really, isn't bad.  I'm still a lot smaller than I was when I started out.  Lifestyle habits (exercise, food intake) I am healthier than I ever have been.  I had never been able to run a mile before- now, I can do that and more.  So I shouldn't worry too much about a small spare-tire around my middle, or flabby arms.  Right?  I can, once again, learn to love the body that I have, and not focus on the body I would like to have. 
This picture was taken yesterday at my daughter's class Mother's Day Tea party.  It's not the most flattering picture of me, but I was pleased to see that I don't look as fat as I feel.  :)  Again, it's amazing to me how distorted our self-images can become.  Maybe I'll put this one on my fridge, as a reminder.  

for the love of strawberries

I've never been a huge fan of fruits and veggies.  I like them, I'll eat them, but they're usually not something I crave.  But, lately there are a few that I just can't seem to get enough of.  One of those is sauteed zucchini.  Yum!  Especially with a little Parmesan cheese sprinkled on top.  The other is fresh strawberries.  They're in season now, which means that every grocery store I go to has huge displays and great prices for the berries.  My kids will occasionally eat them, plus they're super good for you.  The only problem I have had is buying too much, then trying to figure out what to do with the excess.  I have found a solution to that problem:

Strawberry Sauce  from Ourbestbites.com!  Can I just say Y.U.M!  This stuff knocked my socks off.  I must have eaten five or six spoonfuls before I could get it put away.  I seriously wanted to pour it in a bowl and eat it like soup.  It's simple, quick and easy to make.  You could make it with Splenda instead of sugar and it would be incredibly diet-friendly.  I made it with sugar.  I'm totally at peace with that.  :)  I have great plans for strawberry shortcake, pancakes, ice cream sundaes, maybe even soup.  Why not? 

You can follow the link to ourbestbites.com , (though I warn you, stay away if you're watching your calories).  It is my favorite recipe site of all time- everything I have tried from it has turned out fabulous.  Or, if you don't want to end up spending hours drooling over recipes, here's the Strawberry Sauce:

Strawberry Sauce

1 pint strawberries

1/3 c. white sugar

1 tsp. almond extract (my favorite) or vanilla extract

Wash strawberries and remove stems. If you’re feeling ambitious, you can roughly chop the berries, but I say you’re already feeling ambitious enough by making your own strawberry sauce. So don’t sweat it.

Combine berries, sugar, and extract in medium saucepan and bring to a simmer over medium heat. Cook for five minutes, stirring/breaking strawberries up with a wooden spoon constantly.

After five minutes, remove from heat and allow to cool slightly (if you have a glass blender jar) and a lot (if you have a plastic blender jar). When cool enough, transfer mixture to blender and pulse until desired consistency is reached. 

I used a potato masher to squash the berries while they were simmering- that seemed to make it easier for the blender to process the sauce quickly, without making it too frothy.   Mine turned out thick and smooth, perfect.  I froze some of it, and put the rest in the fridge.  Seriously, if you even kind of like strawberries, try it. 

Failure is not defeat until you stop trying.

I'm still here, still fighting the good fight.  I apologize for the lengthy pause between posts.  Sometimes inspiration comes frequently, sometimes not.  And, sometimes inspiration comes all the time, I just don't have time to actually get on the computer and blog about it.  Ya know- three kids, massage school, homework, substitute teaching, hubby, dirty bathrooms, dog, etc.  (Side note:  I like substitute teaching, but I have a really hard time actually using the word "substitute" ever since my six-year-old daughter pointed out that it has the word "toot" in it.  She then spent the next ten minutes saying "substitoot!" and laughing uproariously.  Classy little lady, she is. :)

I am proud to report that for the last few weeks I have gotten out to run at least three times each week.  I am averaging about a mile and a half per run, and working on going longer.  But, the real reason I feel inspired to post today was this article on the Runner's World website:

Wingspan by Kristin Armstrong  

I read her new article every week.  I don't really consider myself a "runner" (I suppose I probably should, since I do, in fact, run.)  But, her articles aren't really about running, they're about living.  And I love the perspective she has on life.  Here's my favorite part:

One night this week I took my kids out for Thai food and this was my fortune:
Failure is not defeat until you stop trying.
I smiled when I read it, shoving the cookie in my mouth and the tiny slip of paper into my wallet.  This one was a keeper.
How awesome is the idea that we are never defeated if we never stop trying.  We may stop and start again.  We may change our goal midway and soldier on.  We may retire and later re-enter the ring.  We may fail miserably and muster up the courage for a do-over.  We may let one dream go in order to make room for another, better dream.  Or we may realize that the dream we've held close all along matters now more than ever – and we approach it with renewed vigor.  We may take time to heal and then laugh again, trust again, love again, run again, start again.
If defeat is for quitters, then the victory remains in the try.

Yep. I'm human.

So.  I have given up on giving up soft drinks.  For now.  It's not so much that I couldn't live without the cokes, more that everything else I'm striving for went to pieces while I struggled with that one thing.   Sigh.  I guess I will go back to trying to cut down on them, and drinking more water. 

I really hesitated to publish this because it's a tad embarrassing.  But, then I realized that it's not motivating to watch someone be perfect.  It's motivating to watch someone struggle and overcome.  Not that I intend to air all my dirty laundry.  I will keep some amount of dignity.  :) 


*Oh, and I wanted to say thank you to the lovely lady who brought me a loaf of banana bread last week.  (You know who you are.  I didn't know if you would rather keep things private- but I wanted to make sure you knew that I am grateful!)  It was delicious, and I shared half of it with my kids. 

I am not my weight

I admit that my weight is rather closely linked to my confidence on any given day.  However, my weight has nothing to do with who I am.  I find that I am liking myself more and more as I age; and while my weight rises and dips, my sense of who I am and what I can accomplish steadily increases.  Why is this?  I think it's because the more I try, the more I learn about myself.  I have tried many things.  Some have been a success, some an utter failure, but each time I find I understand myself better. 

"There are a number of very important irreversibles to be discovered in our universe.  One of them is that every time you make an experiment you learn more;  quite literally, you cannot learn less."

Buckminster Fuller

  I just read an article in Runner's World magazine (A Thin Line by Peter Sagal) about a guy who was fat as a kid, and still feels fat now, even though he is a marathoner.  One of the most compelling parts of the article is this:

The obsession with weight—far, far more common than you might suppose among amateur athletes—is a curse. "I run to eat," we say, but we're not so much taking pleasure in the food our running earns us but in the immunity it grants us. We hit the box of doughnuts at work or the side of fries with lunch, telling ourselves, "I did my six this morning," and we feel, for a moment, that we are Normal People, able to indulge in sweets and fats without suffering the kind of inner guilt and recrimination usually reserved for embezzlers.

I think we tend to look at skinny people, athletes in particular, and think that they never have to worry about what they eat.   It looks so effortless for them, and we wonder why we can't just flip a switch and be like that.  After all my reading and research on this topic, I conclude that there are actually only about five people in the world who don't struggle with their weight in some way.  We're all in the same boat, people.  That thought brings me a great deal of comfort.  

Remind me, again, why I'm doing this?

Four days without Diet DP.  I have a mild headache, which is my body's way of saying "something's missing here.  Shouldn't we usually have about 40 milligrams of caffeine in here by now?"  (40 milligrams just sounded good, I actually have no idea how much caffeine is in the average soft drink).  The headache I can deal with.  The cravings are driving me crazy.  I like water, but I'm not sure how much more of it I can take right now.  So I have been drinking lemonade and milk.  Can we say "calories"?  Arrgh.  Which makes me really start to question the wisdom of going off soft drinks at all.  I know they're not good for me, but gaining back thirty pounds isn't going to be good for me either.  Neither is eating half a package of Chips Ahoy cookies and a glass of milk.  (Ahem.  Monday night.)  I don't know if I can handle eating fewer treats/snacks AND giving up my DP.  I feel like I can only really focus on changing one thing at a time.   If I have to have a vice, wouldn't a non-caloric one be better?  Should I keep going and see if it gets better?  Should I fall off the wagon in favor of focusing on another health issue?   I really don't know what to do here.  I'm open to any and all opinions and advice.   

Saying Good-bye to an Old Friend

No, nobody died.  Just clearing that up right away.

Have you seen the movie "Mr. Mom"?  The little kid has a security blanket that he calls his "woobie".  I have had many "woobies" in my life, but none so consistent as Dr. Pepper.  You may laugh, I give permission, but hear me out as well.  I'm not sure when I started drinking DP on a regular basis, but I know I was probably a teenager when it became my woobie.  Anytime I was sad, lonely, depressed, whatever, a cold, sweet, fizzy cup of happiness was just a drive-through away.  Even when I was on Weight Watchers I found I could switch to Diet and still keep my woobie.  (I actually think it helped keep me on track, because it was the only thing left, that I loved, that I could still partake of with reckless abandon.)

Well, the time has come to finally grow up and burn the woobie.  Sigh.  I have stuck with Diet since WW, so it's not directly contributing to my weight issues.  But.  I know it is sooo not good for me.  Especially the Diet stuff.  There's nothing in it that hasn't been chemically created in a lab.  I have tried many, many times to cut back.  I have tried only having X amount per day, I have tried drinking a glass of water for every Diet DP, I have tried giving it up for a week.  All of those work for a little while, then I'm right back onto drinking nothing but the fizzy stuff.  I'm afraid nothing but cold turkey is gonna cut it.

You may ask "why?" or at least "why now?"  It's been a long time coming.  I'm trying really hard now to focus on developing habits that will help me be healthy for the long term, not just to get some poundage off.  This major hurdle feels like a huge step in the right direction.  Plus, I find that a fresh, cold Diet DP goes just perfectly with a snack.  If I don't have the DP, I don't crave the snack as much.  Funny how that works, huh?
This is, officially, day THREE of no woobie (or any soft drinks whatsoever).  I don't know how long it will take until I don't crave it anymore, we'll just have to take it one day at a time.

After a While

I realize this poem was not written about weight loss.  Nevertheless, it applies to just about anything we're struggling with.  I'm not sure when it came to me, or where it came from, but I love it.  It speaks to my soul when I'm down.

After a While
by Veronica Shoffstau

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand
and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't
mean leaning
and company doesn't
always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.
And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn
that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth.
And you learn
And you learn
with every good-bye, you learn.

The siren song of not caring

Cut loose.  Relax.  Chill out.  Loosen up.  We humans just love to let our hair down, throw caution to the winds and let it all hang out.  It feels so good to say "who cares?" and just do what we want.  And, why is this a bad thing?  I don't think it always is.  Sometimes we need a little down time.  But, I find that the more my hair is down, the less content and satisfied I am.  We thrive on structure.  We need boundaries, if only to have something to push against.

I did so great this morning.  My hubby was working from home today, and at about 9:00 I decided to go out anr run some errands, and bring him home some breakfast (in the form of a greasy, buttery honey chicken biscuit from Whataburger).  I had already had my breakfast (two pieces of whole wheat toast with blackberry jam), so I didn't get myself anything to eat.  It made me feel so confident and powerful to not eat when I had the chance.  Fast forward to this evening, after an extremely stressful afternoon consisting (among other things) of our babysitter canceling so we didn't get to go on our date, my nine-year old failing yet another math test, and the same nine-year-old not turning in a month long project that was due today.  Add to that the sink full of dirty dishes, the huge fort of blankets in the living room and the fact that I have gained yet another two pounds (now 12 pounds above my goal weight), and what did I feel like doing?  That's right- giving up and eating two apple pies from McDonalds.  That doesn't sound like much, but after doing so well this morning, thinking that maybe, finally, I'm getting it again, two apple pies feels like a major defeat.

The question is:  what am I going to do now?  I've eaten the pies, I can't change that.  I'm still depressed and stressed, eating didn't help that.  Well, I guess the only thing to do is try again.  And again.  And again.  I will go to bed and try to make better decisions tomorrow.  I need to remember that as wonderful as it sounds to just let go, it really doesn't make life better.  No matter how much I try to not care, eventually caring happens.  Then, I wish I had cared.  Just a little.   

What if I do it wrong?

One of my very favorite books is Book of a Thousand Days by Shannon Hale.  It's about a ladies' maid who gets locked, with her lady, in a tower for seven years.  In one of my favorite parts, the maid decides to teach her lady how to cook.  The rest goes like this:

She said, "I don't know how, Dashti."
"That's why I'll teach you."
"I'll do it wrong."
"Of course you will, everyone does wrong when learning something new."
Then she started to cry.  "But I'll do it wrong."


Confession:  I hate getting things wrong.  I like to be good at things, and if I'm not good at them almost right away, I quit.  This tendency has kept me from many experiences that would have been very good for me.  So, I am working on overcoming this.  I am currently in Massage Therapy school.  I have loved it so far, but I had my first major check the other day.  I was practicing on my hubby's shoulders, and I twisted his head to the side a little too fast and gave him a cramp in one muscle.  I felt the all-too-familiar despair (maybe I can't do this after all, what if I screw up like that for real?  etc).  I refuse to give in to those thoughts this time.  I will try again, I will learn, and I will get better.
Everyone does wrong when trying something new.  Don't be afraid of being wrong.  The only way to fail is to not try at all.

Rome Wasn't Built in a Day

Learning to eat only when you're hungry is HARD.  I knew this before.  I'm sure many of you know this.  But, I feel the need to say it again:  eating only when you're hungry is HARD.   Okay, I'm better now.

That being said, I actually think I did fairly well this week.  Remember, I'm developing a habit that I plan to keep the rest of my life.  And, I'm breaking habits that I have had for the past 30 years.   So I don't expect to have it down anytime soon. I don't ever expect to be perfect with this.  I'm simply shooting for "more often than not".

I managed to put down my fork and be done before the food was gone many times.  I have discovered I have a bad habit of piling waaay too much onto my plate, then I feel the need to finish everything in front of me.  Have to work on that one.  I'm not sure if I want to start using smaller plates, or teaching myself to get smaller portions.  I think I'll go with the smaller portions.  Using smaller plates would just be a temporary measure, it wouldn't teach me anything about true portion size.  And how many restaurants/grandma's houses are going to serve you your dinner on a saucer?  Exactly. 

I did my weekly weigh-in yesterday and I was down by about half a pound.  I'm not focusing on the numbers, but it does help to know that I am on the right track.  I also went running a couple of times this week.  (Before the bottom dropped out of our weather; anybody ever gone running in -15 degree wind chills?  Me neither.)  It felt soo good to run again.  I have lost my pedometer somewhere, so I couldn't use the stopwatch on it to keep track of my time.  And, you know what?  I enjoyed my runs so much better when I wasn't able to care how fast I was going!  I didn't worry about distance.  I didn't worry about time.  I don't really care if I ever get faster or able to go longer, I just enjoy the run!  How liberating.   So that is my message to you this week:  enjoy the journey.  Don't worry about how far you will go, or how long it will take you to get there.  Learn to love yourself and learn to love the journey!

Current specific goals

I need specific goals/guidelines to follow if I'm going to get anywhere in life.   So, I have set some for myself.  I am going to take the next month or so and work on eating only when I'm hungry (more often than not, anyway), and stopping when I'm satisfied.  I'm not going to worry right now about what I'm eating- I'm only focusing on when and how much.  If, at the end of next month, my weight hasn't started dropping to my satisfaction, then I will worry more about what I'm eating.  But the when and how much is the true key to learning to eat for life.  Ideally, I should be able to eat whatever I want, as long as I'm eating when I'm hungry and not eating more than I need. 

I have decided I want to drop about 20 pounds from where I am now (10 below my goal weight, and the 10 that I have gained back in the last two months).  I weigh myself every Thursday, so I will post each weeks' results on this blog.  That way, I have someone/thing to be accountable to. 

I'm learning to listen to my body

Okay, I haven't made the blueberry-maple muffins yet.  I admit, I didn't read the recipe very closely before I printed it out.  Turns out it requires, among other things, 1/5 cup flaxseeds, ground.  I have no problem with flaxseeds, but grinding them myself?  And, who in the heck came up with a 1/5 measurement?  Who owns a 1/5 cup measure?  Good grief.  I'm not sure I want to put forth that much effort for something that may or may not end up tasting like plywood.  However, I have managed to eat much more vegetables this week.  Yay, me. 

I got the book I ordered, finally.  It's called Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat by Michelle May, M.D.  It's not the only resource out there for learning to eat intuitively, but it was the one that caught my eye.  The basic premise is that you already have the ability to eat as much as your body needs, but you have to learn to really listen to your body, and heed what it is telling you.  Think about it.  If you ate just when you were hungry, and ate just enough to satisfy you, your body wouldn't have to store any extra.  I, personally, wouldn't have started this process before I lost most of the weight I wanted to, because it's going to take some significant patience, and I can't focus on quick weight loss.  The focus has to be on giving my body what it needs, not what my mind wants.  The good news is that my body gets hungry (like, stomach growling, real hunger- not cravings) about four or five times a day.  And, food tastes so much better when I'm really hungry.  The trick for me is going to be learning to eat just enough to satisfy me. 

So, my goal for the next few weeks is to learn to eat when I'm hungry, try not to eat when I'm not, and only eat as much as will satisfy me.  I do not expect perfection, this is a learning process.   Anyone want to join me?  

(If you have a hard time know when you are actually hungry- there are many, many articles on the web that can help you out.)