Friday, March 30, 2012

Know Fear

Remember me?  I used to blog here.
I'm back now.

It's been what? like seven months since my last post?  Yeah, well.  I thought about posting during that time.  I really did.  But those posts would have consisted of things like this:  "I want to lose weight again, and I can't figure out how", or "I did really good yesterday, but I forgot all about trying to be good today", or how about "Yeah, today I just said 'to heck with it' and ate everything I could find.".

Long story short, I gained all my weight back from before weight watchers.  I am serious about getting it back off.  I have been serious before.  But, now I am really, really serious.  I think the difference between serious and really, really serious is focusing on the long haul, and keeping my goals foremost in my mind.  One of the reasons WW worked for me is that I thought about it all the time.   And, I talked about it all the time.  Sorry, Reed.  :) 

Now-a-days, I only think seriously about wanting to lose weight maybe every third day.  The other days, I like the clothes I'm wearing, and I feel pretty good, so I don't worry about it.  But that third day?  It's a doozy.  On that third day, I hate looking in the mirror.  I want to cry because I don't have any clean clothes that fit right any more.  I swear to myself that I'm going to change.  But the next day, I do laundry so I can wear my currently-fitting-clothes.  I tell myself that I love myself no matter what, and that I'm really not that fat.  So, I relax and have another Cadbury Caramel egg. 

Now, I find myself at the end of that vicious cycle.  Fifty-ish pounds overweight.  Again.  And I wonder, WHAT THE HECK?  I'm a smart person.  I'm a strong person.  I've read the books, and the blogs, and the nutrition websites.  I should know how to do this.  I do know how to do this.  And, I'm not doing it why? 

First reason why, I think, is that I change my goals like every third day.  (Yeah, the third day).  So it's hard to stick with a goal when I can't even remember which one I'm currently settled on.  Am I eating 1500 or 1800 calories today?  Am I giving up sugar or cokes this week?  Do I want to weigh 165 by October, or was it 180 by June?  Where am I going?  Why am I here?  I don't know, and it's making my head hurt.  I need chocolate. 

But, I think the biggest problem here is that I'm afraid.   I'm afraid of failing, yet again.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to resist the Easter candy aisle.  I'm afraid that I'll be grumpy and unpleasant if I forgo dinner.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to maintain weight loss, even if I do manage to lose the weight again.  I'm afraid that if I continue to try and fail, I will quit liking myself eventually.  It's hard to like someone who is constantly failing you. 

And, what do I plan to do about all of this, you ask?  Well.  Right here, right now, I am going to set some reasonable goals.   Then I am going to face my fears head on.  I am going to forgive myself when I mess up.  Here goes nothin:

I am going to keep my intake to less than 1700 calories a day, even on weekends.
I am going to weigh myself every Friday morning, no more, no less. 
I am going to post to this blog every Friday.  Even if that post is only one sentence long. 
I am going to write these goals down and put them up everywhere, so I won't forget.
I am going to re-evaluate my goals at the end of April.

Yep, that's what I'm gonna do. 

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