Yep. I'm human.

So.  I have given up on giving up soft drinks.  For now.  It's not so much that I couldn't live without the cokes, more that everything else I'm striving for went to pieces while I struggled with that one thing.   Sigh.  I guess I will go back to trying to cut down on them, and drinking more water. 

I really hesitated to publish this because it's a tad embarrassing.  But, then I realized that it's not motivating to watch someone be perfect.  It's motivating to watch someone struggle and overcome.  Not that I intend to air all my dirty laundry.  I will keep some amount of dignity.  :) 


*Oh, and I wanted to say thank you to the lovely lady who brought me a loaf of banana bread last week.  (You know who you are.  I didn't know if you would rather keep things private- but I wanted to make sure you knew that I am grateful!)  It was delicious, and I shared half of it with my kids. 

I am not my weight

I admit that my weight is rather closely linked to my confidence on any given day.  However, my weight has nothing to do with who I am.  I find that I am liking myself more and more as I age; and while my weight rises and dips, my sense of who I am and what I can accomplish steadily increases.  Why is this?  I think it's because the more I try, the more I learn about myself.  I have tried many things.  Some have been a success, some an utter failure, but each time I find I understand myself better. 

"There are a number of very important irreversibles to be discovered in our universe.  One of them is that every time you make an experiment you learn more;  quite literally, you cannot learn less."

Buckminster Fuller

  I just read an article in Runner's World magazine (A Thin Line by Peter Sagal) about a guy who was fat as a kid, and still feels fat now, even though he is a marathoner.  One of the most compelling parts of the article is this:

The obsession with weight—far, far more common than you might suppose among amateur athletes—is a curse. "I run to eat," we say, but we're not so much taking pleasure in the food our running earns us but in the immunity it grants us. We hit the box of doughnuts at work or the side of fries with lunch, telling ourselves, "I did my six this morning," and we feel, for a moment, that we are Normal People, able to indulge in sweets and fats without suffering the kind of inner guilt and recrimination usually reserved for embezzlers.

I think we tend to look at skinny people, athletes in particular, and think that they never have to worry about what they eat.   It looks so effortless for them, and we wonder why we can't just flip a switch and be like that.  After all my reading and research on this topic, I conclude that there are actually only about five people in the world who don't struggle with their weight in some way.  We're all in the same boat, people.  That thought brings me a great deal of comfort.  

Remind me, again, why I'm doing this?

Four days without Diet DP.  I have a mild headache, which is my body's way of saying "something's missing here.  Shouldn't we usually have about 40 milligrams of caffeine in here by now?"  (40 milligrams just sounded good, I actually have no idea how much caffeine is in the average soft drink).  The headache I can deal with.  The cravings are driving me crazy.  I like water, but I'm not sure how much more of it I can take right now.  So I have been drinking lemonade and milk.  Can we say "calories"?  Arrgh.  Which makes me really start to question the wisdom of going off soft drinks at all.  I know they're not good for me, but gaining back thirty pounds isn't going to be good for me either.  Neither is eating half a package of Chips Ahoy cookies and a glass of milk.  (Ahem.  Monday night.)  I don't know if I can handle eating fewer treats/snacks AND giving up my DP.  I feel like I can only really focus on changing one thing at a time.   If I have to have a vice, wouldn't a non-caloric one be better?  Should I keep going and see if it gets better?  Should I fall off the wagon in favor of focusing on another health issue?   I really don't know what to do here.  I'm open to any and all opinions and advice.   

Saying Good-bye to an Old Friend

No, nobody died.  Just clearing that up right away.

Have you seen the movie "Mr. Mom"?  The little kid has a security blanket that he calls his "woobie".  I have had many "woobies" in my life, but none so consistent as Dr. Pepper.  You may laugh, I give permission, but hear me out as well.  I'm not sure when I started drinking DP on a regular basis, but I know I was probably a teenager when it became my woobie.  Anytime I was sad, lonely, depressed, whatever, a cold, sweet, fizzy cup of happiness was just a drive-through away.  Even when I was on Weight Watchers I found I could switch to Diet and still keep my woobie.  (I actually think it helped keep me on track, because it was the only thing left, that I loved, that I could still partake of with reckless abandon.)

Well, the time has come to finally grow up and burn the woobie.  Sigh.  I have stuck with Diet since WW, so it's not directly contributing to my weight issues.  But.  I know it is sooo not good for me.  Especially the Diet stuff.  There's nothing in it that hasn't been chemically created in a lab.  I have tried many, many times to cut back.  I have tried only having X amount per day, I have tried drinking a glass of water for every Diet DP, I have tried giving it up for a week.  All of those work for a little while, then I'm right back onto drinking nothing but the fizzy stuff.  I'm afraid nothing but cold turkey is gonna cut it.

You may ask "why?" or at least "why now?"  It's been a long time coming.  I'm trying really hard now to focus on developing habits that will help me be healthy for the long term, not just to get some poundage off.  This major hurdle feels like a huge step in the right direction.  Plus, I find that a fresh, cold Diet DP goes just perfectly with a snack.  If I don't have the DP, I don't crave the snack as much.  Funny how that works, huh?
This is, officially, day THREE of no woobie (or any soft drinks whatsoever).  I don't know how long it will take until I don't crave it anymore, we'll just have to take it one day at a time.

After a While

I realize this poem was not written about weight loss.  Nevertheless, it applies to just about anything we're struggling with.  I'm not sure when it came to me, or where it came from, but I love it.  It speaks to my soul when I'm down.

After a While
by Veronica Shoffstau

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand
and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't
mean leaning
and company doesn't
always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.
And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn
that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth.
And you learn
And you learn
with every good-bye, you learn.