Friday, February 25, 2011

The siren song of not caring

Cut loose.  Relax.  Chill out.  Loosen up.  We humans just love to let our hair down, throw caution to the winds and let it all hang out.  It feels so good to say "who cares?" and just do what we want.  And, why is this a bad thing?  I don't think it always is.  Sometimes we need a little down time.  But, I find that the more my hair is down, the less content and satisfied I am.  We thrive on structure.  We need boundaries, if only to have something to push against.

I did so great this morning.  My hubby was working from home today, and at about 9:00 I decided to go out anr run some errands, and bring him home some breakfast (in the form of a greasy, buttery honey chicken biscuit from Whataburger).  I had already had my breakfast (two pieces of whole wheat toast with blackberry jam), so I didn't get myself anything to eat.  It made me feel so confident and powerful to not eat when I had the chance.  Fast forward to this evening, after an extremely stressful afternoon consisting (among other things) of our babysitter canceling so we didn't get to go on our date, my nine-year old failing yet another math test, and the same nine-year-old not turning in a month long project that was due today.  Add to that the sink full of dirty dishes, the huge fort of blankets in the living room and the fact that I have gained yet another two pounds (now 12 pounds above my goal weight), and what did I feel like doing?  That's right- giving up and eating two apple pies from McDonalds.  That doesn't sound like much, but after doing so well this morning, thinking that maybe, finally, I'm getting it again, two apple pies feels like a major defeat.

The question is:  what am I going to do now?  I've eaten the pies, I can't change that.  I'm still depressed and stressed, eating didn't help that.  Well, I guess the only thing to do is try again.  And again.  And again.  I will go to bed and try to make better decisions tomorrow.  I need to remember that as wonderful as it sounds to just let go, it really doesn't make life better.  No matter how much I try to not care, eventually caring happens.  Then, I wish I had cared.  Just a little.   

1 comment:

  1. Remember how when we were little everyone used to ask us if we were sisters? I loved that because I've always thought you were so great. ANYWAY...I think our eating personalities are very sister like. I do that all the time...I think, I don't care, I'll eat this whole box of candy or all the ice cream...etc...then I really do care. Thanks for reminding me that I can start all over the next day. You're so smart. :)